


Look at Me

by LittleOnexx



Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety Disorder, I Don't Even Know, I should be eating, M/M, Not making fanfiction, Panic Attacks, i don't know how to tag, ohwhale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-23
Updated: 2017-03-24
Packaged: 2018-10-09 19:12:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10419279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleOnexx/pseuds/LittleOnexx
Summary: Ethan was reading the hate comments on one of Mark's video and all of them were about his acne, how ugly he was, how disgusting his voice sounded.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hate myself.

_"God Ethan is so gross!"_

_"Why would Mark allow someone like him in his videos, he's so ugly."_

_"His acne makes me want to throw up."_

_"He's so ugly!"_

_"His voice sounds like someone punched him in the throat. XD"_

Ethan feels his breath quickening. He slams his laptop shut and he starts pacing.

 " _They're right, you're ugly. You're disgusting."_

He lets out a broken sob, his mind racing with hateful remarks. He falls into a panic attack. He falls onto his knees, feeling his heart beat in his neck, his head pounding to the beat of his heart, his hyperventilating the only thing he can hear, that he didn't hear Mark and Tyler rush into the room, he didn't notice Tyler scoop him up into his arms, he didn't notice Mark calling for him to talk to him, he didn't hear Tyler repeatedly saying he loves him, that he's okay, that no comments were true. He feels his breath quickening even more that he felt sick to his stomach. He cries, and cries and cries. He hyperventilates to where he might pass out, no one can stop him now. Not even the love of his life nor his best friend. He's in the world of panic to where no one can save him now. He sees only black, and comments telling him to kill himself; to just end his life right than and there; that no one wants him there; that he was a mistake; that his parents never cared about him; that his life will never get better. That was until Tyler came into his life.

  "Ethan, baby. Look at me."

Tyler showed he can be strong, his breath quickens, Tyler showed he mattered, he lets out a scream, Tyler showed that no matter what he loved him, he's feels his heart beating from outside of his cheat, his lungs burning of fire, his throat sore enough to leap from his mouth, his vision spinning and darkening. Tyler loved him, his family loved him.

  "Ethan, we're right here. Breathe slowly."

But what if no one did care? What if he was just a mistake? What if no one did love him, they were just pitying him. His lets out another scream as he feels bile rush from his stomach acid through his airway to his throat but he swallows it. He's already embarrassed, he doesn't want to be humiliated! He will not die now. He will not pass out.

  "Baby, please. Breathe."

His breathing wont slow down, neither will the spinning room, he feels like hes underwater, unable to catch his breath, keep the room still, the beating of his heart wont slow don either. Is he dying? He thinks he's dying. This is how he always feels. He lets out a gag. He will NOT throw up, he is not going to make himself throw up.

  "Ethan, it's okay. We're here. Tyler's here, your boyfriend is here. I'm here. It's okay. Be strong. Show your anxiety who's in charge."

He can't, his breathing keeps quickening, his mouth watering like river pouring into the ocean, his head spinning like a carousal lost its power source and just keeps spinning,spinning, spinning. Than it happened. Everything went black, he lost the fight against the attack. Everything just stopped in his vision. His breathing slows down, as does his heart. He lays curled in Tyler's chest, his legs slowly giving out into a straight line. His hand falls next to him.  Anxiety 100. Ethan 10. He swore he could've won. But he couldn't slow down.

 

An hour later, he wakes up in Tyler's arms, on the comfy bed that he first lost his virginity to Tyler. He went slow for him, no matter how bad he wanted to fuck him into the mattress, he cared for his boyfriends pleasure instead of his. The comments are wrong. He is loved, he is wanted. He will NOT give up to his anxiety or the hateful fans that only love Mark and Tyler. He is stronger than anxiety. That is.. Until his next attack.


	2. The Day After

"Let me see your eyes." Whispers Tyler as Ethan is talking to Mark after they had just done his makeup. Tyler sighs before placing his thumb on Ethan's chin and forcing him to look at him. Ethan looks at him and than his lips back to his eyes giving a small smile before looking back at Mark. Tyler places his hand on Ethan's neck giving it a slight massage before pulling it away and looking at the camera. When they do videos and live-streams, he knows he shouldn't touch Ethan as much as he does out of the internet but he can't help touching his blue haired gem. Ethan lets out a quirky laugh as Mark pulls an bemused look.  
Amy is behind the work, watching the comments flood in. Most are good but seventy percent of them are about Ethan's acne and how ugly it is. She shakes her head, lifting her head to look at her boyfriend and best friends. Katherine comes into the room fuming.   
"What's going on?" Whispers Amy, Katherine just rolls her eyes and shakes her head. "Kat." Whispers Amy, she looks at her.  
"Hate mail. All directed to Ethan." Whispers Katherine, Amy feels tears in her eyes. She doesn't get why everyone hates him so much. She's tired of it. She slams shut her computer and storms off causing everyone to look where she ran off too. She comes back with the hate mail.   
"What's that?" Asked Tyler, standing up. Amy ignores him. She walks in front of the camera, the hateful fans knew they were in trouble.  
"Amy, princess, what's going on?" Asked Mark, standing up.  
"You think this is funny, don't you?" Snaps Amy, Ethan looks confused. "You think it's funny to send hate mail to someone because of the way to act, the way they look, the way the talk? What the actual fuck is wrong with you people! Ethan is perfect the way he fucking is and he's insecure enough but Tyler helps with that! They may not be dating but Tyler is his fucking best friend and everyday, every fucking day Tyler builds up his self esteem and you pricks break him down! Is this seriously how your mothers and fathers raised you?! To send hate mail and hateful comments to a youtuber over the internet because of they way they are!?" Screams Amy, everyone is shocked. The hateful fans; Ethan; Tyler; Mark, and Katherine.  
"Amy.." Whispers Mark, getting worried.  
"You think it's funny!" Cries Amy, tears streaming down her face. "I have to watch Ethan read all of these comments and break down his self esteem that Tyler has built up over the year but you all don't help that. The only good fans that like all THREE of them are thirty percent! What is wrong with you!" Screams Amy, sobbing and blubbering. "What.. What is wrong with you!" Screams Amy as Mark pulls her off camera and wrapping his arms around her letting her cry into his chest, dropping the hate mail. Ethan curls into himself on the couch, slowly feeling panic raise in his chest. Tyler doesn't move, he's frozen in his spot. He's never seen Amy blow up that much. She only playfully screamed about something but not like this. Tyler fall onto the couch and pulls Ethan into his lap as Ethan starts crying.  
"Why do they hate me so much, Tyler?" Cries Ethan, Tyler rubs his back.  
"Because they're jealous of how amazing you are Eth. Because they know they can never be as perfect as you. How you look is perfect. Your acne is adorable. You are perfectly amazing, baby blue gem." Whispers Tyler as Ethan lets out a hateful broken sob, nuzzling his face into Tyler's neck, gripping Tyler's shirt. Tyler closes his eyes, holding Ethan closer. "It's okay, princess." Whispers Tyler, low enough that no one can hear. Ethan is having an anxiety attack, he knows it, he breathing is erratic, his head is spinning and his heart beating out of his chest. He listens to Tyler to breathe in slowly and exhale slowly. He shakily breathes in slowly and exhaling. He slowly calms down before falling asleep in his boyfriends arms. Tyler lays his head back, knowing they are on the live-stream still. Mark comes back and sits down.  
"I'm disappointed in my own fans." He says lowly. "I have NEVER been disappointed in my fans." He growls and looks up. "Amy is right. You treat Ethan like he is trash but he is NOT, he has hard moments too and you bringing it worse for him! This live-stream is over." Growls Mark, and gets up shutting the stream off. Amy is hiccuping and walks over to Mark, hugging him. He hugs back, picking her up and left the room. Tyler stands up, carrying Ethan from the downstairs and up to their room. Tyler lays Ethan onto the bed, taking his shoes; socks, and jeans off. Tyler sighs, looking at his beautiful boyfriend who may never see it. He kisses Ethan's forehead gently before taking his own shirt and socks off, climbing into bed beside Ethan wrapping his arms around him pulling him close and closes his eyes.


End file.
